Getting Off The Starting Line.
How to get started in the lifestyle.
Written by: Swing Life Club Last Update: February 17, 2023 Category: Editorial / Educational
How to get started is a question that comes up all the time, and there are many blogs and podcasts that give advice on it. I want to start by saying that entering into non-monogamy will not save a relationship. The problems that a relationship has will be there in lifestyle too. So, while it might make your relationship more enjoyable because you have more social freedom and more people to relate too, it will not fix the problems that are there. Not only that, but the lifestyle comes with a ton of feelings and emotions that can really be hard to overcome. People talk about jealousy all the time. Jealousy is a fear, and it can be overcome if you're willing to communicate. Okay with that said, let's get started (pun intended).
The most important step is to talk about it. In the lifestyle, communication is really key. However, it can be hard to explain to a partner that you have desires to interact with others outside of the relationship, even if sex isn't involved. People want to feel important, especially to the person that they find important. So, telling someone that you enjoy spending time with others might be a scary experience. You don't want them to feel like you are rejecting them, you just want them to understand that you want some social time. If in your relationship, you aren't getting out and being social, you need to overcome that first. Go out!! Meet people and see how comfortable everyone is socializing. Let other people get to know your partner and let your partner have fun getting to know others. If you are both having fun relating to others then, maybe, the topic can come up.
If your partner has never expressed any interest in swinging/non-monogamy then you might have to take it slow before you talk. One good way is to watch a movie or read a book. Fifty Shades brought a whole new set of people into the lifestyle community, but maybe you aren't into that aspect of the lifestyle. There are lots of shows and movies to stream about the lifestyle. Just go to Netflix and search for "erotic" or "swinger" and there should be a few that come up. Talking about a book, movie, news article, social media story, or even the rumor about the neighbors, can allow you to get a sense of your partners comfort level with the subject.
Make sure that your partner (and you) have a safe way to talk. One thing about the lifestyle I hear all the time is that it opened up communication for people. Think about it. To express your desires, you need to be able to do it without fear that other people aren't going to get all judgy and upset. Make a safe place to talk, where you agree that there is acceptance both for listening and understanding, and for establishing boundaries. You and your partner might have passions about things that the other doesn't. That isn't a rejection of you or your partner. It just means that there are things that get each other excited that we didn't realize. Who knows, maybe you'll land on something that is fun and exciting for you.
Once you have a safe place, go ahead and talk about you fantasies. This can be a lot of fun, and hell, a lot of times it can turn into a lot more fun. I can't tell you how many times a fantasy conversation turned into a good time for me. Besides, you might never be able to experience that fantasy if you don't tell your partner. They might be totally into it or at least on board with it. They might have a desire to help you achieve that fantasy.
Take the time to figure out your boundaries. Talk about what the two of you are into and NOT into. Understand where your partner's limits are at, and where yours are. Boundaries are the way we respect each other. Boundaries will also change over time as you and your partner become comfortable with different things. Don't be afraid to test your boundaries and, when appropriate, talk about how it made you feel and if you need to make adjustments. Again, communication, honest communication, is key.
Once you and your partner agree that you want to move forward there are lots of ways to find other people who enjoy the lifestyle. You can find people looking for non-monogamous sex all over the place, especially men. We (men) are dirty little devils. Online websites and apps are all over the place. Find a club. Yes, there are clubs where people get together just to meet other people in the lifestyle. Some clubs are all about the sex and socializing, and some clubs offer access to the lifestyle as an extension of the other amenities and entertainment they provide.
Once you get into it, remember to be kind, courteous, and respectful of others. Communicate with new friends. The lifestyle should be fun and safe, and that starts with respect. So, respect your partner first and make sure that you respect others. Take care of each other and have some fun. YOLO.